rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
