i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
