nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
