the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
