I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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