I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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