If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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