Is it normal to miss your booty call?
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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