i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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