Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I deserve this hangover.
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