he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
