You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
