You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
