grandma shit on top of the toilet
too bad you live with your parents still
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
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