Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize