well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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