my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
