I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
