dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
