I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
