The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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