ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Randomize