You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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