The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
