My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
