the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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