i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
