I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
