you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
