He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
