Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
