Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
