if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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