Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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