I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
