Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
