My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
