Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
