Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
