dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
