oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
