we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
