the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
