Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
As shirtless as possible
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
