im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
