so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
