I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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