i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
