yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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