just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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