Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
