You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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