i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
