um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
