FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I see more hoeing in ur future
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