I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
