I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
