is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
