I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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