So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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