I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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