someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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