my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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