If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
