you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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